How I came to find Gor....continued
Regardless, I was of course ashamed and I left yahoo Gor. I went to www.collarme.com and began to start again. I did tell people there that asked what I had did and I continued my search for a Master. One day, I mentioned that I would like to go to a gathering but of course I wouldn't go by myself. I was told by a slave that there was someone that might speak to me by the name of Mistress Kimveri and I had remembered her from yahoo a few times, so I went to search for her. I found her in a room one day, and I dared to speak to this woman of whom I was petrified! This was "Kimveri", she was harsh and didn't take shit and had little tolerance for idiots and posers.
I stated in the room that I was sent by this particular slave and she opened her pm's and allowed me to speak to her. We ended up talking in pm and on the phone for hours while I laid everything I could think of in front of her. She had told me to be honest and I was, brutally so. I cried and sobbed in her ear and on cam while I told her of what I had done and what had been done to me (as I saw it). She spoke with her FC and they agreed to help me as long as I did not lie, and thus, our relationship began. She told me that I needed to go back to yahoo, and to not hide who I was and own up to my failure. She had me place on my profile that I had failed and I was to answer to anyone that asked what I had done and my failure. I was told either no picture or a real one of me, none of this fake picture shit because I am not "fake". I put on my profile word for word what I was told and I did answer to anyone that asked what my failure was. I began to heal and move on. That is how I came to know the Gorean philosophy. Of course, I really didn't know too much of the philosophy itself when I came to Mistress, but since then she has helped me learn by speaking with me and giving me links to message boards from which I read and study. I have all of the Gor books, save one, and I have read 4 and I'm on my 5th one. I have gone to 4 Gorean homes and met I believe 9 Gorean Masters/Mistresses. I have served offline and I have felt my belly in front of strong men. I am still learning and god, do I still have so much to learn. Part of what I am learning now is to take responsibility for myself. I have discovered, albeit the hard way, that I have to learn to be responsible for myself before I can ever think of giving it up one day and -maybe- become a slave. This is where I am at right now and this is the reason for my website. It is to help me take responsibility for myself, for my actions and behaviors. I am placing myself out there to be judged by others, but I can confidently say, that what matters most is how I judge myself. Of course I mean no disrespect to the Free when I say that, but this journey is not about slavery, it's about finding me and perhaps that journey might lead me to slavery. It is not up to me whether the Free chose to treat me as a slave, it is their choice. Thus far they have, and I am grateful for their confidence in me that one day, I might be owned and be called slave. There are times when I have and still do participate in some "BDSM" things. I don't need them in my life, I -choose- to have them as I still have choices right now. I try to surround myself with people that are accepting of my lifestyle. The group I am involved with locally does that. They don't care if I end up being owned by a Gorean or a non-Gorean, only that I am happy. I have found that for me, I can be accepting of many people, it is their life after all and I hope that people will do the same for me. I talk of my love for the Gorean philosophy to these people and I share my experiences and hopes. I personally find the mental/intellectual aspect of M/s more my speed than the "traditional" BDSM, but that is just me. I am but a small tiny bit of this planet, but I am in it and I am seeking to find my spot on it. I prefer to think of this world as not only black, white and gray, but also like an ink cartridge, blue, yellow and red, and every shade that it can create. This place is beautiful, in all that it is, with it's many shades, and I too have mine. I wish you well, ancilla 
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