My Response to "Reactance of Enslavement"
The following is the link to the essay, Reactance of Enslavement, below is my response to it.
Greetings, Mistress, I began to 'skim' over the link you gave me on Saturday night, however, my skimming turned into reading, thus, I went to a chat room to avoid reading it thoroughly. Yesterday, I read it and then took a bath and reflected on it. As I was reading it, I couldn't help but laugh at some of my -now- obvious actions. Looking at some of my behavior lately, I noticed right away that my going out and drinking then sleeping with someone that I didn't know, was perhaps an "indirect reassurance of that freedom". I had felt very stifled about the fact that Master Zed told me to make female friends and said that my defeatist attitude had to change before it became displeasing to him. Fucking someone I barely knew became two fold for me. One, I would do something dangerous to show that I still had control of myself and thus, basically saying that I hadn't lost that freedom of making my own decisions regarding friends. Two, I would show that I didn't have a defeatist attitude about -that- aspect of my life, sex. When I read about aggression, I lowered my head and winced as I knew that me getting angry at Master Zed in my journal was me not having control over my emotions and taking them out on someone who was only try to help me. Sometimes, when you don't like what someone says they see in you, it's easy to get angry at them than to look inside yourself and admit the flaw. I think this is what I did. The stress and anxiety I had felt over this loss of freedom poured over, I think, into my body itself. While I know it's not all in my head, I think that the way my mind was dealing with it helped to progress the pain in my back. This "loss of freedom" that I experience at the hands of him and other Free have made me feel uncomfortable at times. Not because I'm less of a slave, but according to this, it is natural. Add on top of it, the fact that I feel very submissive to this man, and it's online, and after what happened with Master "Paul", I sometimes battle myself to keep my head on straight. The icing on the cake was the loss of trust that occurred with Master "Evan" because of the situation with Master "Thomas". Perhaps, internally, I don't want to be that open again, because of the loss that would occur if the relationship between Master Zed and I ended. I feel very helpless sometimes, at the mercy of this man. I wait in hopes that I will be spoken to, I say good night to his picture like he is there. Hell, I go and buy dresses for a man that may never brush his lips on my forehead and it's very frightening to me, this loss of control. So, I wonder, if in fact, I was attempting to push him away. If he isn't granted access to my heart, if he doesn't demand it and take it from me because he is not there doing as such, then he can't hurt me. I tried to regain that freedom, of dictating who has access to those things. Then, I felt remorseful for doing as such and told him I was sorry in an offline. Then, I begged mercy and forgiveness from him and accepted it's not me who gets to decide what to show him. He decides that. It's not only my relationship with him that has suffered a degree of this reactance, it's also been my relationship with my ex. Once she told me about her new interest and then didn't make a point of watching our show, I, sighs, 'pouted' (just winces), knowing that I could get away with it, thus pushing that freedom that I had in another direction. Recognition is the first step isn't it? "This is not to excuse disobedience, but it goes some way in explaining the roots of disobedience arising from reactance. Paradoxically, a heightened level of reactance can be a symptom of productive change underway within the slave's mind, and a necessary stage that must be gone through before reaching acceptance of her Master's control of a certain freedom. " As I read this particular statement, I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. No, it isn't right for me to be disobedient, but where as I wondered secretly if that meant I was not a slave, if I would push everything away from me, it in truth means that I am growing and is natural. Last night, when I spoke to Master Zed, I told him that I would approach this evening at the submissive circle with open eyes and be honest with those there about opening myself up and the fears that I have. He defeated me quit easily and the only way I can do what he wants is to open myself up. Being honest with the group is something very difficult for me, but as I've been told before time and again...if it's hard, do it hard. Thank you, Mistress for showing me this essay and believing in me. I am sorry for drinking that night while I was upset, even if subconsciously. I shall work harder on controlling my emotions so that I do not let you, and the others that believe in me down, and for that matter, myself. I am truly grateful for our relationship and am blessed to have you and the others in my life. Wishing you well, In service ancilla  Home  Gor My life Essays Self Examination Quotes Music Resources Credits Links Email Other Stuff
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