Response to What is Co-dependence
The following is the link to the essay, What is Co-dependence by Cindy Slate, below is my response to it.
Greetings, Mistress, I hope you are well today first and foremost...smiles. Thank you very much for the links you sent me. I was in fact quite eager to read them and it gave me a lot to think about in addition to what you had explained to me on the phone the other day. I'm trying very hard already, to look at things that I do and to see if it falls under the behavior of a co-dependent or an enabler and if so, to think of what I -should- do instead. When I read some of the things, I could instantly see things in my life that fall under co-dependence. When it mentioned feeling like I have to be perfect, that was something I completely understood. That goes way back to my childhood. Simple things like my grades and starting to work at the age of eleven. I thought that if I did those things and did them well, that my parents would love me more. I believe simply, that I have spent a great deal of my life caring for both of my parents and being a parent to them, so much so that my mom refers to me as "the good child". Of course, I doubt she feels that way about me lately since I haven't focused on her so much. Owning my feelings has been something that you have gotten on me about before. There is nothing wrong with how I feel, it's what I do with that, with those feelings that I have to be careful with. I've always sought others approval of how I feel and I think that is why it's been so difficult for me to get through this breakup in regards to my family, friends, and even "my ex". So, I focus on my own feelings and continue to be alone and not make it simpler and when I have done that, I feel guilty. Slowly, VERY slowly, I'm starting to feel less guilt. I can't control if they approve of my decision or not, I can only control how -I- react to it. I'm responsible for making myself happy. If I wait on everyone else's approval to be happy, it will never happen. You can't please everyone all the time, it's impossible or darn near impossible. With that though, the fact that I enjoy pleasing others and that I like to give, it's a little confusing. It makes me happy, genuinely happy when I get to serve others and see the smile on their faces. Now the article says that it is a bad thing, so that's a little difficult to understand, but I think that it meant when I give to those in my life that are "addicts". Does this mean though, that I am what I am because of my past? I don't know. Does it matter? I don't think it should. This is what I am, and my desire to be pleasing to strong men and women are not my alcoholic parents and people with addictions that need to have someone take care of them or me needing someone to take of me. This is me trying to set that behavior for those people down while still embracing what is natural in me and find others to give it to I think. When I think about something and figure it out, sometimes I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel that right now and I haven't felt that in awhile and it feels very good, Mistress...smiles. I feel warm in my heart and like some of the wall I have put up, has come down. It feels very nice. Thank you, Mistress...smiles. Wishing you well, In service, ancilla  Home  Gor My life Essays Self Examination Quotes Music Resources Credits Links Email Other Stuff
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